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Rank Quest: World of Warcraft

Rank Quest: World of Warcraft

In this new and totally innovative feature from House Ryokuro, we are going on a quest to attempt what no other content-starved website has even conceived: We will make lists of things. Not only that, but we will arbitrarily rank these things in our mission to anger you. This is RANK QUEST. Today on Rank

In this new and totally innovative feature from House Ryokuro, we are going on a quest to attempt what no other content-starved website has even conceived: We will make lists of things. Not only that, but we will arbitrarily rank these things in our mission to anger you. This is RANK QUEST.

Today on Rank Quest, World of Warcraft. No one remembers the time before it existed. It is entirely possible that “The Time Before” is just a fantastical myth dreamt up by senile old warlocks queuing for Alterac Valley by accident. But because of its longevity, World of Warcraft has spawned quite a few memorable characters and we will decide which ones are better than the others.

10. Gamon

Gamon’s endlessly tragic story catapults him above Mankrik and into our top 10. Just a simple Tauren trying to drink in peace in an Orgrimmar tavern, Gamon was instead repeatedly pick-pocketed, mind-controlled, chased to the far ends of Azeroth, and most frequently murdered. Gamon died again and again and again, but always returned to the same tavern hoping that maybe, just maybe, this’ll be the day he can finish his ale. But it is never Gamon’s day.


9. Jaina Proudmoore

As one of the more powerful mages in Azeroth, you’d think this daughter of a legendary Alliance Admiral would be living la dulce vida, but instead she’s spent most of her time hanging out in an awful, low-poly swamp completely surrounded by her enemies. And when her swampy home was nuked by those enemies, she got mad. So far, her thirst for vengeance has only resulted in her being invited to fewer parties.


8. Azuria

Admittedly, being a questgiver is one of the most thankless, repetitive, and unchallenging jobs a video game character can get, especially when they’re not even meaningfully involved in a storyline. But that doesn’t mean you should suck at it. Azuria was so incompetent that she’d often lose items you had literally just turned in, forcing you to go, hunt, kill Skuls all over again. The conspiracy-minded eventually came to believe she was actually an enemy agent, but most agreed that this made just as much sense as Jar Jar Binks being a Replicant.


7. Illidan

Once a powerful and feared demonic overlord, Illidan has now cut himself off from society and lives in seclusion because of the one thing he couldn’t control: his catchphrase. At first, it was flattering. Illidan would hear enthusiastic fans yell “You are not prepared!” on the red carpet, or when he’d sign autographs. But after his defeat at the Black Temple, the phrase took on a new meaning. He heard it more often, on the street, buying flip-flops at Target, even a DMV teller took delight informing Illidan that without his Social Security card, he was “not prepared” for his license renewal. This was the final straw, and The Betrayer has not been seen in public since.


6. Thrall

Once, he was the leader of the Horde, his strength tempered by wisdom and empathy. Under his rule, the conflict with the Alliance cooled and Azeroth came as close to peace as it ever would. Thankfully, Thrall gave up the job he was actually good at just so he could stand at the center of a massive whirlpool and be a walking deus ex machina whenever the leaders that tried to replace him went batshit insane. In his absence, the war has escalated dramatically, thus ensuring many expansion packs to follow.


5. Nissan Pathfinder

The perfect marriage of sportliness and utililification, the Nissan Pathfinder has carried many honorable warriors and their gear into battle with its versatile seating and cargo space. Arthas himself rode into Stratholme in a Nissan Pathfinder, which is probably not the greatest example, but if you ever have to raze a city to the ground and murder everyone in it, then you should do it in style with the Nissan Pathfinder! And if things really get messy, the Intelligent 4×4 system will make escape from the hordes of undead a real…oh lord help it…the Nissan Pathfinder has seen some shit, man. It has seen some shit.


4. Alexstrasza

Alexstrasza is a motherflippin’ dragon that disguises herself as a weirdly-thicc blood elf. We don’t really need to go on justifying this ranking to you, but we will because that is the nature of this. As leader of the Red Dragonflight, Alexstrasza has been a stalwart ally of the heroes of Azeroth in their many, many battles against the threats they really have no business facing. She has done this even as her own kind engaged in civil war and the once-immortal race of dragons became corrupted and slowly died off. Now she is easily the hottest manager of a McDonalds you’ve ever seen, and please get back to work before she writes you up.


3. Khadgar

Once the apprentice to a crazy old wizard, Khadgar is well on his way to becoming a crazy old wizard himself! He hangs out in psychedelic mushroom forests and tells you to eat things you probably shouldn’t and basically bosses you around a lot. Once a fairly minor character in the grand scheme of things, Khadgar is now in the thick of every single battle, quest, sidequest, subquest, pet battle, and inane Barrens chat you’ll ever participate in. You may wake up one day to find Khadgar standing over you, just watching you sleep. He does this to everyone. All at once. Khadgar will ask if you want a glass of water, and you will pull the covers over your head and try to pretend he’s not there. This will not work.


2. Geralt of Rivia

A legendary hunter of monsters with supernatural abilities, Geralt is one of the last of his kind and perhaps the most powerful. He also fucks a great deal. We honestly have no idea how he has time to hunt monsters, what with all the fucking. Human, elf, orc, tauren, harpy, succubus…he has and will fuck them all. And were it not for his superhuman immune system, he’d have all the diseases, too. Occasionally, when something refuses to fuck him, he will kill it. He will kill it in the most brutal way imaginable, with swords flashing and fire scorching and his teeth clenched in hate. “I really wanted to fuck that,” he’ll mutter over the dismembered corpse of a hippogryph. “I really did.”


1. Sylvanas

VICTORY FOR SYLVANAS!

 

Rank Quest will return…

 

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  • Soylent Daveage
    January 15, 2018, 8:40 pm

    Nevermind victory, WATERPROOF MAKEUP FOR SYLVANAS!

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