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NFL Wildcard Playoffs Preview

NFL Wildcard Playoffs Preview

The NFL Playoffs are primed to explode this weekend, with approximately nine-ish teams ready to do battle to figure out where exactly they’ll all be sitting when the Patriots win another goddamned Super Bowl. FEEL THE EXCITEMENT! In the first WILDCARD game on Saturday, the Tennessee Titans travel to Kansas City to take on the

The NFL Playoffs are primed to explode this weekend, with approximately nine-ish teams ready to do battle to figure out where exactly they’ll all be sitting when the Patriots win another goddamned Super Bowl. FEEL THE EXCITEMENT!

In the first WILDCARD game on Saturday, the Tennessee Titans travel to Kansas City to take on the Chiefs in a contest between two clubs that stumbled blindly into the Playoffs with a mousetrap on each hand and a large pot over their heads. Trust me, these teams are just as surprised they’re here as you are. Expect nothing but mediocrity and you will NOT be disappointed!

Our Pick: The Chiefs

 

Later that evening, the Atlanta Falcons will play one of the 12 teams that moved to Los Angeles in the last couple of years. Or maybe they’ll play all of them? I’m not really sure how it works. But excitement is at a fever pitch in the City of Angels and fans are torn between yawning and asking “Wait, we have an NFL team now?” Regardless who wins this gridiron war, St. Louis will lose. WILDCARD!

Our Pick: Large Moving Trucks

 

At high noon on Sunday, two teams that are about a decade or two deep into their “Rebuilding Year” will clash in Jacksonville, Florida as the Bills and Jaguars desperately try to convince youbut mostly themselvesthat they really do know how to play this game. WILDCARD! To this end, the Bills and Jaguars released an unprecedented joint statement to the media that simply says: “Please, just give us a chance. Please.” Sadly, this game will not be televised or even filmed.

Our Pick: Channel 5 Airing a Bootlegged Copy of Hudson Hawk

 

And the final WILDCARD game of the weekend will be between the Carolina Panthers and New Orleans Saints, two teams that can actually remember what it’s like to be successful. Panthers QB and noted feminist Cam Newton has said he will dedicate his victory to “all the women who say they’re reporters” and the Saints have said that they will definitely not each receive a $5,000 bonus if Cam Newton suffers a career-ending injury.

Our Pick: Someone will say “Nawlins!” and genuinely expect a laugh.

 

And that’s all you could possibly need to know about football until next Monday, when we’ll be a week closer to just handing New England another Lombardi Trophy as the National Futility League’s Postseason rolls on!

Alex Rhoades
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