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I Didn’t Watch Murder on the Orient Express

I Didn’t Watch Murder on the Orient Express

There’s a lot of movies and TV out there, so a person could hardly be blamed for missing some of it. But I refuse to let that keep me from reviewing the things I Didn’t Watch. I have at least seen Murder on the Orient Express’s trailer, which makes me a virtual expert on this

There’s a lot of movies and TV out there, so a person could hardly be blamed for missing some of it. But I refuse to let that keep me from reviewing the things I Didn’t Watch.

I have at least seen Murder on the Orient Express’s trailer, which makes me a virtual expert on this 2017 film starring basically everyone. For example, I know it takes place on a train.

Oh, sorry, spoilers.

This movie may take place on a train. It’s entirely possible it doesn’t!

 

Murder on the Orient Express is loosely based on the Janet Evanovich novel, To the Nines. Needless to say, they’ve taken a few liberties with the plot, characters, theme, tone, and setting. Evanovich’s famous heroine, Stephanie Plum, still appears but is curiously played by Kenneth Braugnaghaghagh.

Plum is traveling on board a…um….mechanical conveyance that could potentially be construed as a train. The movie totally leaves it up to the viewer to determine that. It might be a Greyhound Bus! Though, to be fair, murders happen so frequently on Greyhound Buses that they aren’t even reported anymore, so it’s unlikely anyone would have written a story about one. For the sake of this review, let’s just go with my own personal interpretation: This movie takes place on a train.

Though, to be fair, murders happen so frequently on Greyhound Buses that they aren’t even reported anymore

Johnny Depp (playing himself) is also on this potential train, and he strikes up a conversation with Plum. Plum calls him a dirtbag and punches his dick right off. The cinematography and special effects on this scene are Oscar-worthy all on their own. Everyone high-fives Plum, and Depp gradually disappears from existence, much like Marty McFly’s siblings in Better Off Dead.

Important note: This is NOT the murder. The murder takes place later. We haven’t gotten there yet. Honestly, we may never get there with the way you’re behaving right now.

Daisy Ridley! She’s in this. She’s Rey in Star Wars. She is not Rey in this, I’m reasonably certain. In this, her name is something like “Miss Dabbinham.” Why would you dab a ham? Who are the ham dabbers? This film answers none of those questions. Rey is about to lay out the entire history of her family and their ridiculous name when…MURDER HAPPENS.

At least, that’s what we’re led to believe. Plum and Dabbinham never discover who has been murdered or how or why or when. Instead, they receive a cryptic notification on their iPhones that simply says “Murder Complete” followed by a wink emoji. This is the huge twist of the movie, that we are not actually solving a murder, but trying to determine whether a murder took place at all.

Kenneth Brogonarth reacts to this revelation perfectly: he throws his script across the room and returns to his trailer. Kenneth Braughlaugh is never seen again. The character of Stephanie Plum is then played by a feisty newcomer: a rubber tree with sunglasses.

The character of Stephanie Plum is then played by a feisty newcomer: a rubber tree with sunglasses.

Miss Dabbinham takes over the investigation and begins interviewing everyone on what is probably a train. Characters played by Stanley Tucci, Viggo Mortensen, Edward Norton, Common, Cyndi Lauper, Bela Lugosi, Ted Striker, Oprah Winfrey, Aishwarya Rai, Jessica Rabbit, Samuel L. Jackson, Tom Servo, three different versions of Benedict Cumberbatch,  and the “Cash Me Outside” Girl all receive lovingly-crafted backstories told with the groundbreaking stop-motion animation of the Laika studio.

Frustrated by conflicting testimony and a lack of evidence, Miss Dabbinham’s eyes light up when she gets yet another cryptic notification on her state-of-the-art iPhone X, this time with the unicorn animoji screaming: “SRY NO MURDER, TAQUITOS ARE 3 FOR 1 AT QT”

Cut to Miss Dabbinham grinning from ear-to-ear, Plum tucked under her arm, dangling from a helicopter as the “train” explodes behind them. Thus, the only real murder was the murdering that Daisy Ridley’s performance did to our hearts, and all the taquitos we presume she murdered once she found a QuikTrip.

Kenneth Brontoburger, who also directed the film, simply must be lauded for his vision and command of this movie, even as he spent much of his time destroying his trailer and terrorizing all 17 key grips. I, for one, can never come to grips with Braugnolio’s brilliance.

Murder on the Orient Express is currently in theaters and is also being projected against the moon for a limited time.

Alex Rhoades
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